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The definition of stupidity is attempting to define stupidity.
The 80 20 rule: In first 20% of toothpaste tube's life you use 80% of the toothpaste, in the next 80% of time you eke out the 20% left.
I was sneaking around in my mind finding interesting things to think about. I have a furtive imagination.
Just because it's motionless doesn't mean it isn't still there
I've got a cat. Now, where are the pigeons?
Pavlovian responses: when I see a pound of mince I can't decide whether to go buy a dog or a pavlova.
When all you've got is a hammer, all you can see is a thumb.
"When trying to pour liquid into a funnel, make sure the thin end is not pointing upwards."
If you say something intelligent and expect people to understand you, you're an idiot.
My memory is getting terrible. It's so bad I can't remember what I used as an excuse before Alzheimers.
I saw this in a signature: "A good beginning is half the battle" and immediately agreed until I saw the last word wasn't "bottle".
The difference between children and priests should be further apart.
Mooning isn't all it's cracked up to be.
How should I put this? Uh... If someone sends me a bunch of neuroses, should I be worried?
Knock Knock. Who's there? Awesome. Awesome who? Awesome one else.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and not recording the results.
Kama Scooter. Sex on a moped.
I didn't do it my way. I avoided it completely.
Anything is impossible.
I have to slow down. I've been burning the bottle at both ends.
Christmas commercialism. I'm frankly incensed. Do you demur?
When Winter comes, can another Winter be far behind?
You can lead a man to reason, but you can't make him think.
Comedy is a joke. Comedians should be gagged.
You can't trust anyone any more. I just watched a pot, and it boiled.
How many exceptions does a rule need before it isn't a rule any more?
I'm all for ad-hoccery, but there's a time and a place.
Life is mainly froth and bubble Two things stand like stone Kindness in another's trouble and bad poetry.
My memory is getting terrible. It's so bad I can't remember what we used as an excuse before Alzheimers.
Apparently there are all these things on your phone to play with. They appear as soon as you get reading glasses
Time travel. That's nothing. You should have been here yesterday.
Hi, I hope you are well. I was surfing through your web site and realised while it has great search engine optimisation it looks like crap,
Behind every stupid man there's a smart woman holding him back.
I went to see a homeopathic comedian. She told one joke and I laughed for two hours.
You know you are old when your nostrils are bigger than your eyes.
If the grass was as high as an elephant's eye why didn't the poet mow it?
There's something I just don't get. People say: "Have you got what it takes?" But if it's already taken, how could you still have it?
I am going to attempt to qualify for next year's Altruism Games by giving up my spot for someone less altruistic.
When someone asks me to procrastinate, I find some work to do instead.
"M'ladyship the peasants are starving for information! The Barons control the media. What shall we do?" M'ladyship: "Let them tweet."
Other people are people too.
Why was Milly the moo-cow feeling low? Because she had a moo disorder.
All his time I had no idea there was nothing on my mind. What was I thinking?
I think you mean what I know.
THE DESIGNER CLIENT PROCESS. Designer: "If you like it, I can make it better. If you don't like it, you will make it worse."
I hate punch lines. They're so pugilistic. I'd prefer to end this outside the box.
I'm crap at most things but I reckon I'm unbeatable when it comes to self deprecation.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Awesome. Awesome who? Awesome one else.
Sky News. "Man found dead at Melbourne Cemetery." What were they thinking?
Why did God invent the gag reflex, if he knew we had to floss?
It's not easy being difficult.
When in Rome ignore what the Romans do and just be yourself.
There is nothing wrong with diversity, as long as it can be standardised. We don't want any surprises.
I'm very flexible, really. Except when it comes to flexibility. On the topic of flexibility I just won't bend.
Is it possible to get a job as a procrastinator? Why don't I Google that?
I've got my shit. It just isn't together.
It's always going to be bad when you do things using two hands when you should be using just one. Picking one's nose comes to mind.
You know what I can't stand? I can't stand sitting.
Everyone's mouth looks smaller when it's shut.
Why don't non-realist philosophers just shut up about the Impossibility of ever saying anything?
They talk about the patience of Job. But Job did not have to put up with Buddhists.
You CAN choose your enemies if you still have your teeth.
Help! It's raining morons! Someone fetch me my dumbrella!
Why was James Dean thirsty? He was a rebel without a Coors.
I just realised there is an i in idiot.
Facts are the difference between right and wrong.
I have nothing against Miss Anthropy. It's just other people I don't like.
It is possible to think yourself slim, as long as you remember to think about not eating.
I wish there was a buzzing in my head I could stop.
I'm not anxious, but I'm worried I should be.
Worried your deodorant's not working? Choose 'smelly armpit' scent — and never have to worry again.
I guess in the Ottoman Empire they liked to sit down, a lot, which is good because so many other empires had inadequate seating.
Like the sun peeping through the clouds, people should simile more often.
Something's wrong! I took the placebo but it's not working!
How do you respond to the criticism: "You don't respond to criticism well."?
Even the slackest flosser spends about 6.25 weeks of their lives flossing. That's the longest 6.25 weeks you'll ever know.
To get the most from Twitter, avoid it.
The way to a man's heart is through his liver. You know it's true.
Happiness is when your brain is thinking about stuff you like.
Why would you remind me if you didn't mind me in the first place?
Monkeys really did write one of Shakespeare's plays. Unfortunately it was "The Two Gentlemen of Verona".
History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake—forget that! History is a flesh eating wound. It's a case of necrotising anachronism.
When all you've got is a psychiatrist, all you can afford is once every six weeks.
In Ancient Greece, Plato proposed raising fees at his academy to pay for more and better forms – the ones they had were less than ideal.
I've been trying to think of a joke about extranoughts in outer space but I've got nothing.
If life is mainly froth and bubble, why do we have dishwashers?
How to make marsupial gumbo. First, brown your kangaroux.
I studied engineering but I didn't like it. My teacher said "Build a bridge."
I don't get 'vainglorious'. If you are glorious don't you have a right to be vain?
I am enormously proud of myself to have found out that I am only modestly narcissistic.
You say tomato, I say potato, so what's the problem?
What happened to the oafish, insensitive and offensive hip hop artist? His raps were knuckled.
I'm going to start a nonconformists club where we can share our common interest in being different. We're going to need some strict rules.
Comedians. You know what the promblem is with comedians? They just don't take anything seriously.
As one balding man said to the other: "Hey, why don't you comb over tonight?"