 | The definition of stupidity is attempting to define stupidity. |
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The 80 20 rule: In first 20% of toothpaste tube's life you use 80% of the toothpaste, in the next 80% of time you eke out the 20% left. |
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I was sneaking around in my mind finding interesting things to think about. I have a furtive imagination. |
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Just because it's motionless doesn't mean it isn't still there |
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I've got a cat. Now, where are the pigeons? |
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Pavlovian responses: when I see a pound of mince I can't decide whether to go buy a dog or a pavlova. |
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When all you've got is a hammer, all you can see is a thumb. |
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"When trying to pour liquid into a funnel, make sure the thin end is not pointing upwards." |
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If you say something intelligent and expect people to understand you, you're an idiot. |
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My memory is getting terrible. It's so bad I can't remember what I used as an excuse before Alzheimers. |
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I saw this in a signature: "A good beginning is half the battle" and immediately agreed until I saw the last word wasn't "bottle". |
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The difference between children and priests should be further apart. |
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Mooning isn't all it's cracked up to be. |
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How should I put this? Uh... If someone sends me a bunch of neuroses, should I be worried? |
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Knock Knock. Who's there? Awesome. Awesome who? Awesome one else. |
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and not recording the results. |
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Kama Scooter. Sex on a moped. |
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I didn't do it my way. I avoided it completely. |
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Anything is impossible. |
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I have to slow down. I've been burning the bottle at both ends. |
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Christmas commercialism. I'm frankly incensed. Do you demur? |
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When Winter comes, can another Winter be far behind? |
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You can lead a man to reason, but you can't make him think. |
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Comedy is a joke. Comedians should be gagged. |
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You can't trust anyone any more. I just watched a pot, and it boiled. |
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How many exceptions does a rule need before it isn't a rule any more? |
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I'm all for ad-hoccery, but there's a time and a place. |
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Life is mainly froth and bubble Two things stand like stone Kindness in another's trouble and bad poetry. |
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My memory is getting terrible. It's so bad I can't remember what we used as an excuse before Alzheimers. |
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Apparently there are all these things on your phone to play with. They appear as soon as you get reading glasses |
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Time travel. That's nothing. You should have been here yesterday. |
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Hi, I hope you are well. I was surfing through your web site and realised while it has great search engine optimisation it looks like crap, |
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Behind every stupid man there's a smart woman holding him back. |
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I went to see a homeopathic comedian. She told one joke and I laughed for two hours. |
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You know you are old when your nostrils are bigger than your eyes. |
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If the grass was as high as an elephant's eye why didn't the poet mow it? |
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There's something I just don't get. People say: "Have you got what it takes?" But if it's already taken, how could you still have it? |
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I am going to attempt to qualify for next year's Altruism Games by giving up my spot for someone less altruistic. |
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When someone asks me to procrastinate, I find some work to do instead. |
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"M'ladyship the peasants are starving for information! The Barons control the media. What shall we do?" M'ladyship: "Let them tweet." |
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Other people are people too. |
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Why was Milly the moo-cow feeling low? Because she had a moo disorder. |
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All his time I had no idea there was nothing on my mind. What was I thinking? |
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I think you mean what I know. |
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THE DESIGNER CLIENT PROCESS. Designer: "If you like it, I can make it better. If you don't like it, you will make it worse." |
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I hate punch lines. They're so pugilistic. I'd prefer to end this outside the box. |
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I'm crap at most things but I reckon I'm unbeatable when it comes to self deprecation. |
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Knock Knock. Who's there? Awesome. Awesome who? Awesome one else. |
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Sky News. "Man found dead at Melbourne Cemetery." What were they thinking? |
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Why did God invent the gag reflex, if he knew we had to floss? |
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It's not easy being difficult. |
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When in Rome ignore what the Romans do and just be yourself. |
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There is nothing wrong with diversity, as long as it can be standardised. We don't want any surprises. |
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I'm very flexible, really. Except when it comes to flexibility. On the topic of flexibility I just won't bend. |
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Is it possible to get a job as a procrastinator? Why don't I Google that? |
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I've got my shit. It just isn't together. |
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Typoe. |
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It's always going to be bad when you do things using two hands when you should be using just one. Picking one's nose comes to mind. |
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You know what I can't stand? I can't stand sitting. |
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Everyone's mouth looks smaller when it's shut. |
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Why don't non-realist philosophers just shut up about the Impossibility of ever saying anything? |
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They talk about the patience of Job. But Job did not have to put up with Buddhists. |
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You CAN choose your enemies if you still have your teeth. |
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Help! It's raining morons! Someone fetch me my dumbrella! |
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Why was James Dean thirsty? He was a rebel without a Coors. |
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I just realised there is an i in idiot. |
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Facts are the difference between right and wrong. |
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I have nothing against Miss Anthropy. It's just other people I don't like. |
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It is possible to think yourself slim, as long as you remember to think about not eating. |
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I wish there was a buzzing in my head I could stop. |
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I'm not anxious, but I'm worried I should be. |
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Worried your deodorant's not working? Choose 'smelly armpit' scent — and never have to worry again. |
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I guess in the Ottoman Empire they liked to sit down, a lot, which is good because so many other empires had inadequate seating. |
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Like the sun peeping through the clouds, people should simile more often. |
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Something's wrong! I took the placebo but it's not working! |
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How do you respond to the criticism: "You don't respond to criticism well."? |
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Even the slackest flosser spends about 6.25 weeks of their lives flossing. That's the longest 6.25 weeks you'll ever know. |
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To get the most from Twitter, avoid it. |
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The way to a man's heart is through his liver. You know it's true. |
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Happiness is when your brain is thinking about stuff you like. |
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Why would you remind me if you didn't mind me in the first place? |
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Monkeys really did write one of Shakespeare's plays. Unfortunately it was "The Two Gentlemen of Verona". |
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History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake—forget that! History is a flesh eating wound. It's a case of necrotising anachronism. |
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When all you've got is a psychiatrist, all you can afford is once every six weeks. |
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In Ancient Greece, Plato proposed raising fees at his academy to pay for more and better forms – the ones they had were less than ideal. |
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I've been trying to think of a joke about extranoughts in outer space but I've got nothing. |
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If life is mainly froth and bubble, why do we have dishwashers? |
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How to make marsupial gumbo. First, brown your kangaroux. |
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I studied engineering but I didn't like it. My teacher said "Build a bridge." |
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I don't get 'vainglorious'. If you are glorious don't you have a right to be vain? |
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I am enormously proud of myself to have found out that I am only modestly narcissistic. |
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You say tomato, I say potato, so what's the problem? |
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What happened to the oafish, insensitive and offensive hip hop artist? His raps were knuckled. |
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I'm going to start a nonconformists club where we can share our common interest in being different. We're going to need some strict rules. |
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Comedians. You know what the promblem is with comedians? They just don't take anything seriously. |
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As one balding man said to the other: "Hey, why don't you comb over tonight?" |
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